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where it ends

when i went back for hols.. i spent time contemplating..
on many stuff..
like.. i was wondering why one of my most frequently recurring dream is that of me, somehow, going back to high school. and the scenario is always the same. we are having our final exams. yeah.. not exactly a sweet dream.

so i wonder.. was God trying to tell me something?
like.. maybe i should make a trip back to my highschool? i planned to but i didn't in the end.
or.. i thot.. maybe God is telling me that my calling is to be a teacher?
i considered this scenario seriously.. coz i think i love to be a teacher.

but then.. a third scenario came to mind.
maybe.. God reminded me of that time.. the last time when i knew for certain, what my goals were, where i wanted to end.

i knew i wanted to score as high as possible in my final exam, and i knew i wanted to get myself a scholarship.
everyday i woke up knowing clearly what my goals were.

in many ways, i lost that hunger when i got into NUS.. maybe partly bcoz i knew i didn't have to pay for my school fee. i lost the goals. and i didn't know where i wanted to be in the end.

people change church or job, move to other countries, or get into relationship,
just so that they could have a change.. and be re-motivated.
i have tried some of those.. but they are all temporary.
i suppose if you don't know what your goals are,
it doesn't make a difference even if you buy yourself a ticket to Palestina or Africa.
it gives you that brief excitement.. that's all.

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Hmm..

si mahasiswa NTU yg bunuh diri itu denger2 namanya david. sigh.. mgkn final year presssure was too much to him. jadi inget masa2 kerjain final year project, tinggal 3 bulan dan gua maseh blank. untung ngga masuk berita ky dia. life is a funny thing. well since there is a chance that this may not be a simple suicide, lets not assume so. maybe there's a truth behind this. duh.. jd inget kalo di conan trus dia bilank, "ini bukan bunuh diri.. ini adalah kasus pembunuhan!" jadi serasa mao jadi detektip -_-